This week ‘The Chaff’ is ‘The Qhaff’ - The Qhaff with Scott Stephenson

Quickly, quietly and quixotically - QWERTY CREW QREW - get into the position! 

 

It’s time for The Chaff, but it’s a The Chaff that is unlike any The Chaff The Chaff has ever The Chaff’d before this The Chaff The Chaff’d its way on a spiritual journey toward becoming this The Chaff! 

 

What exactly is so extra-especially The Chaff about this particular The Chaff, you ask? First of all, The Chaff extends a great, big The Chaff-thank you for your The Chaff-oriented query. Secondly, welcome to The Chaff’s extra-special “The Chaff Salute to the QWERTY Keyboard System!”

 

QWERTY girls and QWERTY guys with QWERTY eyes and QWERTY lives, queue on up and get down; get all over it and allow it to soak in. Become fully awash in the ethereal experience; let its embrace utterly annihilate your physical being and envelope your spirit entirely, like how it does in your dreams and memories. It’s QWERTY!

 

“QWERTY despair,” when literally translated from pseudo-Latin/dragking’s English/secret code to fully, just regular readable column speak is “Look on my works, ye QWERTY, and despair.” That is a line from the famous poem “QWERTYmandias” by QWERTY Bysshe Shelley. That is, as they say, QWERTY!

 

The origin of QWERTY is shrouded in murky magic and foggy mysteries. Some say it is named in honour of a horrible old ogre named “QWERTY the OGRE”. As the legend goes, “QWERTY the OGRE” was an actual Ogre, who was the absolute worst, grossest, most unreasonable Ogre you could ever imagine. A lot of people think that if this is indeed the true origin story of QWERTY, then the name should be changed, but there’s still a very vocal group of dedicated weirdos who are defending “QWERTY the OGRE” and his complicated legacy. 

 

Others believe QWERTY was a gift given to humanity by aliens to help prevent typewriter-based fires from consuming everything. Praise be to our QWERTY alien overlords!

 

But the truth about QWERTY is literally in the pudding - letters pudding, that is! Letters pudding is English cuisine's answer to “Alphabet Soup”. 

 

Q is for “Quagmires usually avoided by utilizing proper procedures always.”
W is for “World is better because of QWERTY.”
E = MC²
R is for “Arrrrr, matey”, a quote erroneously attributed to QWERTY the Pirate.
T is for “Tea Time for Mr. T (1988) and Tea Time for Mr. T 2: Pit-tea-ing the Fool (1992)”
Y is for “Why do I keep doing this? Oh, that’s right. I do it for QWERTY.”

 

Raised by the influential church of QWERTY, Taylor Swift has conquered all human life. Her devotion to QWERTY is clearly on display in her latest music video with Post Malone, whose own affection for QWERTY is written all over his face.

 

Has QWERTY taken things too far? Some skeptics of QWERTY’s social benefits are wondering if it’s simply some dangerous form of hypnosis. Has QWERTY captured the minds of our youths? What about our elders? Any idea about the juniors? What about the mediums? Has anyone seriously considered the small-mediums a.k.a. s’mediums? What about the upper tiers? Has any thought been given to the 30-somethings? What about one-third of the underneath area? Has anyone thought about the underneath area? Clear evidence of QWERTY hypnosis in action. You’re getting very QWERTY! You’re getting very QWERTY!

 

After learning of some deeply troubling allegations concerning QWERTY, The Chaff wishes to distance itself from its previous, enthusiastic, slaphappy support of QWERTY. If The Chaff stands against anything, it’s hypocrisy and that is something The Chaff is “for” being against. The Chaff also stands, at full mast, against QWERTY! Always have, always will.

 

***BREAKING QWERTY NEWS***
The previous, extremely troubling and very upsetting, reports regarding QWERTY have proven to be false. They originated from a deepfake video posted on social media accounts linked to supporters of YTREWQ. The Chaff stands with our faithful ally, dearest friend and erotic partner QWERTY. Always have, always will.

 

The truth may never truly be known about QWERTY. The world works in mysterious ways and perhaps us puny and doomed humans are not meant to know QWERTY’s deepest secrets, despite our very thorough, extremely focused, unrelenting and intense probing. 

 

As is often the case, ignorance is king! King QWERTY! We love ya, but you’re QWERTY useless!

 

Don’t miss next week’s The Chaff on the Dvorak keyboard layout!