The Chaff seeks charmer for Charm Chief - The Chaff with Scott Stephenson
Charm Chief - the title alone tingles the tongue, tantalizes the teeth and trembles through the typographical traditions of The Chaff. Charm Chief is not a position we announce casually. Charm Chief is not a job we jostle into the classifieds between chimney sweeping and chainsaw sharpening. Charm Chief is, and must always be, a calling.
For months, The Chaff has been confronting a crisis of charm. In our corridors, charm levels have plummeted perilously. We have observed, with clinical concern, the creeping corrosion of our charm compliance capacity. Colleagues have ceased complimenting one another’s collars. Contributors have forgotten to comment on clever commas. Even our custodian, once considered the cornerstone of conversational charisma, now communicates chiefly in curt coughs.
Hence: the call for a Charm Chief.
The Chaff’s Charm Chief will be charged with charting the course of The Chaff’s charm, cataloguing charming content and correcting charmless copy. They will champion charm in every channel, from cover captions to classified columns.
We require a rigorous regimen. Every article will be assessed on its charm density, charm duration and charm dispersal. The Chaff’s Charm Chief will consult charm charts, compare charm co-efficients and compile comprehensive charm compendiums for quarterly charm conferences. Charm audits will be compulsory. Charm deficits will be documented, discussed and, if necessary, delicately disciplined.
The Charm Chief will also maintain our institutional charm archives, a collection containing centuries of charming case studies, charming case files and charming case photographs. Each is labelled, laminated and lovingly locked in The Chaff’s Ch-Ch-Ch-Charm Cabinet, currently located in the basement near the corduroy curtain cupboard. Only the Charm Chief will be entrusted with the Cabinet’s key, which, tradition dictates, is to be worn on a charm chain around the Charm Chief’s chest at all times, save for ceremonial cleaning or catastrophic charm collapse.
But this is not mere office ornamentation. The Charm Chief must be prepared to intervene in live charm emergencies. If a sentence slouches into surly cynicism, the Charm Chief must step in with swift, surgical sprinklings of sweetness. If a headline hardens into hostility, they must hammer it into hospitable harmony. Should charm levels plunge below permissible parameters during a public reading, the Charm Chief will deploy the Emergency Charm Kit, containing pre-approved pleasantries and portable puns.
Our current interim Charm Chief - Dervid Hamson - has done commendable work under trying conditions. Still, the committee agrees that a permanent appointment is paramount. This is a lifetime role, or until the charm evaporates from the veins and the voice becomes a withered whisper, whichever comes first.
The application process is extensive. Candidates must compose a charm-centric curriculum vitae, craft a charm-saturated cover letter and complete the Official Charm Competency Questionnaire (OCCQ). They must carry out a charm demonstration before the hiring panel, charming not only the panelists but also any charmless bystanders who happen to be passing the meeting room. Finalists will be subject to the Charm Gauntlet, a sequence of simulated social scenarios, each designed to measure charm resilience, charm recovery time and charm radiation radius.
We understand this position demands extraordinary emotional endurance. The successful candidate must remain charming during charm droughts, charm floods and charm famines. They must keep their composure when confronted with catastrophic charm contradictions, such as two equally charming but mutually incompatible headline suggestions. They must be able to distinguish counterfeit charm from the genuine article with a single glance, a single handshake, a single sigh.
This is, in short, the most serious role in The Chaff’s history. No. Human history.
Applications close at precisely 3:33 p.m. on the third Thursday of three months from now, because three is the charm. The successful candidate will be crowned in a closed-committee charm coronation ceremony, witnessed only by the outgoing interim Chaff Charm Chief, the committee chair and the official charm chaperone.
The arrival of a permanent Charm Chief will not simply fill a vacancy, it will fortify the very foundations of The Chaff. In the meantime, The Chaff urges all readers to maintain their own personal charm reserves. Keep your compliments crisp, your courtesy constant and your conversational cadence consistently charismatic.