'The Chaff' is live in five, four, three two... - The Chaff with Scott Stephenson

Uh-oh, Chaff-o! The Chaff is back for another whack at the weasel. And as the Karate Kid’s Karate man used to say, “Whack on! Whack off!”

 

Unlike pretty much all of the others, this is a very, very special edition of The Chaff. Ready or not; or half-ready, half-not ready; or one-third ready, one-third not ready and one-third uncertain - this The Chaff is going LIVE!

 

Thank you for joining this very special live version of The Chaff. Anything can happen when you go live. Mistakes will be made! Excuse us, that was supposed to read “Miztakes will be maid!” But we maid a miztake! And that’s what happens when The Chaff goes live!

 

You’re probably nervous about participating in a newspaper column that is happening live and unedited (despite whatever wild claims “editor” Shawn Loughlin may, recklessly, be making otherwise). Well, you should be nervous. This is not only a dangerous experiment in newspapering but it is also, quite clearly,  the work of the devil. At any moment these pages may burst into flames and, as we all know, newsprint is highly flammable. You’ve been warned!

 

The Chaff’s established insurance provider wanted nothing to do with this live version of The Chaff. They deemed us to be uninsurable, unintelligible and utterly under-done (meat metaphor). Lucky for us, insuring The Chaff is the work of the devil! Lucifer’s Insurance Company, located in the seventh ring, stepped up to the damned plate, allowing us to holler all of our hot air out there in real time for an eternity, or what might feel like one when reading The Chaff live! Thank you to Ignatius Grimwort for the introduction.

 

We have a lot of wonderful things planned for this live-to-print edition of The Chaff. First up is an interview with a mystery guest. Audiences love to be surprised by an intriguing character and who is more intriguing and surprising than you?! That’s right, you are the first guest to be interviewed on The Chaff live.

Please welcome ____________________________________ (Fill in your name.)

 

We really can’t believe we were able to book you on this live edition of The Chaff. What were you thinking when you agreed to do this? 
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ (Fill in all of the issues in your life that clouded your judgment enough to get you to this point.)

 

Oh, wow! What an interesting response. It sure sounds like you have a lot going on. What is coming up next for you? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ (Fill in your planned activities for this week.)

 

Fascinating! How do you do it? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ (Fill in how you do it.)
You don’t say! Consider this gob, smacked.

 

This interview is going very well. Is there anything else you’d like to promote? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ (Fill in information about a movie you have coming out, or something cool that your kid did recently.)

 

Holy moly! This is absolutely incredible! Thank you for sharing all of this relevant and interesting information. The Chaff live’s live-readers are, almost certainly, eating their eyes out right now. In real time! Hip hip hooray! Chaff Chaff charu!

 

Next up on The Chaff live is a musical performance by one of the area’s finest sources of community news - The Citizen! 
(Use the newspaper you are holding to make various sounds like crinkling or, more subtly, folding. Try whacking it on things; try whacking it off things. Now that’s music! Eat your eyes out Nickelback!)

 

Well that’s just about all of the time-space we have available for this history-making live edition of The Chaff. We’d like to thank all of our very, very special guests: ____________________________________ (Fill in your name, again.), The Citizen musical-paper and the devil. Thank you also to our sponsor, Lucifer’s Insurance Company. They’re there for all of life’s Beelzbumps!

 

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