Start licking your rebate chops! - The Chaff with Scott Stephenson

Ostentatiously declaring our profound and eternal generosity, The Chaff is thrilled to announce our incredible rebate bonanza: $2,000 for every single reader! Yes, you read that correctly. Two grand. Two stacks of maple-soaked loonies to warm the cockles of your beleaguered hearts this frigid winter. All we ask in return is that you, esteemed Chaffers of the Greater Chaffing Area, remit your Chaff tax - a modest, entirely reasonable $2,500 - to fund our not-necessary community endeavours.

 

With the Chaff tax, your contributions will build a better, worse tomorrow: widened potholes, artisanal and awfully ineffective drainage ditches and possibly a golden bust of our spiritual leader placed in the middle of the least convenient intersection. It’s the social contract, reimagined: give us your money, and we’ll give it right back to you (minus a small administrative fee for processing, evaluation and existential contemplation).

 

But don’t delay! Rebates are expected to be delivered at some unspecified yet completely forthcoming time. We’re aiming for “soon-ish”, which, in Chaff time, falls somewhere between “next week” and “when the snow reveals its secrets in spring.”
“We’re putting Chaff dollars back in the Chaffed-up fabrics of our beloved Chaffers’ pockets,” proclaimed the Tricky Minister of Chaff Finances and Footlong Submarine Sandwich Tsar Dervid Hamson in an exclusive e-mail (sent to himself for archival purposes).

 

Naturally, critics have emerged from their unlit dens to sling their barbs. Some have labelled the initiative a “paper shuffle” and a “self-licking Chaff cream cone.” Others decry the program as a “political stunt” orchestrated to boost The Chaff’s flagging reputation in the wake of last year’s embarrassing, unspeakable scandal. To these naysayers, we say: “Can a bribe not also be a blessing?”

 

Imagine the possibilities of your rebate! You could invest in annoying-child removal services or finally commission that portrait of your beloved but butt ugly family donkey Doug. With $2,000, the world, or at least the Chaffiverse, is your oddly-shaped oyster. Perhaps you’ll splurge on a new, flushable toilet - complete with a seat - or curate a private collection of Chaff-branded merchandise to cherish for generations.

 

For families, an additional $200 will be bestowed for each eligible offspring under the age of 18. That’s right: your children are worth precisely $200 in Chaffonomics. Unlike certain provincial counterparts, we won’t discriminate by income; all Chaffers deserve the same opportunity to be marginally appeased. But what if your offspring are over 18? Fear not! We’re exploring the possibility of retroactive rebates for your adult children who still rely on your Wi-Fi password, laundry machines and basement fridge’s contents.

 

Picture a world where your Chaff tax funds revolutionary ideas like big, stinky compost heaps that double as art installations or an interactive museum dedicated to the evolution of The Chaff’s font size choices. Imagine neighbourhood block parties sponsored by the Chaff tax, where hot chocolate flows freely, marshmallows are roasted to perfection and every guest leaves with a complimentary tote bag adorned with our spiritual leader’s enigmatic smile.

 

Some skeptics might question the necessity of the Chaff tax, but rest assured, it is a cornerstone of our grand vision. Imagine, if you will, a world without The Chaff’s rebate bonanza: a bleak, uninspired landscape devoid of artisanal drainage ditches and golden busts. Could you truly live with yourself knowing you denied future generations the joy of such magnificence? How would future historians document your lack of foresight? Would archaeologists one day unearth your unopened rebate cheque and weep for the squandered potential?

 

But what truly sets the Chaff rebate bonanza apart is its transformative vision. We aim to bridge the gap between imagination and reality, fostering a sense of collective joy and community pride. With every rebate issued, we’re not just returning money; we’re reinforcing the belief that a sloppy, whimsical and prosperous future is within reach, one lusty loonie at a time.

 

So, hurry! Submit your Chaff tax today and prepare to bask in the warmth of a rebate that’s as timely as it is timeless. After all, community building isn’t just about making the world better for us; it’s about making us look good doing it. And remember: every dollar you send is another slap in the face toward a brighter, more absurdly delightful future. Together, we can pave the way to an era in which Chaff rebate bonanzas are not just events, but cherished annual traditions, when every Chaffer feels not only appeased, but gloriously complicit in our shared pursuit of wildly unnecessary community improvement. After all, isn’t that what makes a society truly great?