Shakin' All Over - Shawn's Sense with Shawn Loughlin

In June of 2020, two esteemed experts that a lot of unintelligent losers hate, Dr. Anthony Fauci and myself, opined about the impending death of handshakes; Fauci in one of his many press conferences as the first few months of the COVID-19 pandemic raged, and me in this very column space. However, like many other things that have been buried prematurely, the rumours of the death of the handshake, to bastardize a popular misquote, have been greatly exaggerated.

 

Back in June of 2020, I was mere weeks away from becoming a father; the prevailing sentiment from leading public health entities was that the day of the handshake might be done. Of course, there wouldn’t be handshake patrols cruising around, locking up those who dared to shake, but the discourse was that it might be smart, germ transmission-wise, to keep your hands to yourself.

 

One thing I didn’t get into in that column I mentioned was all of the hand-shaking I had coming to me. I was having my first child, damnit, and I would not be denied my hand being shaken and my back being slapped, all while I was being handed fat Cuban cigars. 

 

None of that happened - I couldn’t even leave the maternity ward to get Wendy’s; a poor substitute for a cigar, but likely equal on the scale of how healthy it is for you. Friends, family members and neighbours were so very generous with porch chats and online gifts, in addition to understanding our overly cautious approach to visits, but it just wasn’t the same. 

 

And yet, here we are. Just four years after that fateful column, handshakes did not suffer the doomed fate we might have forecast for them. They are back. Maybe they never left. Either way, we are so back, as the kids say.

 

So, since handshakes are so hot right now, how can this column best serve all you handshakeless lost souls in a world full of handshakes? A quick Google search yields a Pinterest link with 16 “cool” handshake ideas for 2024. I’ll spare you as I spared myself. 

 

Instead, I found another result much more helpful. Thanks to Virginia Tech University’s “Career and Development” tab on its website, we know some of the elements of a good handshake to make a positive impression on your handshake mate. (I was going to invoke a shaker/shakee relationship, but I think, in a proper handshake, one shouldn’t be shaking the other - it should be more a co-shake.)

 

Firm, dry and full, palm-to-palm contact are the first rules. Consider those to be Handshake 101. Another is that handshakes are gender-neutral, so the people who have made yelling about gender identity their identity are out of luck here - handshakes are for everyone. 

 

A few other basics: a handshake is held for two to three seconds, maintain eye contact during the handshake and exchange a brief verbal introduction during the handshake. You are to smile during a handshake, unless it takes place during a solemn occasion. Keep the teeth in your mouth during a funeral, you maniacs.

 

That leads us to some other circumstances. If a person is not able to shake with their right hand, shaking the left is acceptable. Further, if a person is unable to shake hands, a polite nod will do (try not to be too hard on this person who is blatantly disregarding how handshakes are back and better than ever). Etiquette, reads the article, dictates you use kindness and adaptability over strict handshake rules. 

 

Happy shaking to all and to all a good shake; I’m very happy to have been wrong on this. So, as the great prophet Taylor Swift foretold in the Book of 1989, Chapter 6, the time is nigh to shake it off, shake it off (hoo-hoo-hoo).