PANIC! EVERYBODY PANIC! AHHHHHHH! - The Chaff with Scott Stephenson

Terrible! That’s the word on everyone’s lips at The Chaff office today as the ominous shadow of Chaff2K looms large. Dubbed the “technological tempest” by some and “trouble, doubled” by others, this computer (and possibly also human) virus threatens to toss our beloved publication into utter pandemonium. The Chaff doomsday-ers are on high alert, forecasting everything from spontaneous combustion of really-dirty desks to the mysterious reanimation of old, forgotten columns. “I am the zombie version of ‘moving the CN Tower from downtown Toronto to the top of Mt. Logan in British Columbia,’” said no one.

 

Dervid Hamson, ever the skeptic, assures us that Chaff2K is nothing more than a storm in a tiny, grimy teacup, while his cousin Chervid Jamson insists it’s the harbinger of a digital apocalypse. “We could see the unimpeded rise of misplaced modifiers, all dangled and jangled!” Jamson wails, clutching his thesaurus like a talisman. 

 

The Devil, having taken a brief hiatus from his infernal duties, is bemused by the hysteria, muttering something about “Earth-world problems” while flicking through back issues of The Chaff. “I liked it better when it was The Pumpkin,” said the horny and ornery father of lies.

 

Ignatius Grimwort, our resident IT (infernal terminologist) wizard and part-time necromancer, has been working around the clock, casting incantations and debugging spells to ward off the impending chaos. 

 

Yet, as the clock ticks closer to Chaff2K’s rumoured zero hour, the office is a maelstrom of frantic activity. Papers flutter like a flapping disaster and the coffee machine, perhaps in sympathy with our plight, has gone on strike. 

 

Will Chaff2K reduce us to a digital wasteland of fragmented files and utterly lost minds? Or will it pass as quietly as a qualified creeper on the cresting edge of a sweet and sloppy evening’s creep? Only time will tell, dear readers. In the meantime, we soldier on, ever resilient, ever ready to face whatever comes our way.

 

Countdown to Chaff2K
5... The tension is palpable as we triple-check our spell checkers, stoically stockpile adverbs, collect unseemly adjectives and caress our own verbs.
4... Grimwort’s incantations reaching a fever pitch, the air around them shimmers with technomantic energy.
3... The doomsday-ers gather in the break room, huddled over a makeshift altar of keyboards and mouse pads, chanting in unison.
2... Dervid Hamson tries to lighten the mood with a joke about ‘doing it’, but his bellowing laughter rings flaccid and hollow.
1... Scott Stephenson, ever the erratic captain of this literary slop, takes a deep breath and hits the ‘Save’ button one last time.
0... Silence. For a moment, nothing happens. Then...

Chaff2K Strikes!

 

The screens flicker, the lights dim and a low, ominous hum fills the air. Grimwort’s eyes widen as arcane symbols dance across their monitor. The coffee machine emits one final, defiant gurgle and goes eerily silent before bursting into flames.

 

And then, the changes begin.

 

Long Weekends Now Short Weekends

 

The first casualty of Chaff2K: our cherished three-day weekends are now truncated to a mere 24 hours. May 2-4? Sorry! More like May 2-1!

 

Punctuation Pandemonium

 

Commas and periods have developed minds of their own and are developing their own secret language:
….  ,,, ,,, ,,, … ……. 
,,,,,,,,, …. ………
,,, ……… ..

 

Commas and periods are conspiring against us and they must be stopped at all costs

 

Please excuse the lack of proper punctuation for the remainder of this entry of The Chaff because we can no longer trust periods and commas so we have to resort to run-on sentences that end in exclamation or question marks!? !!!!!!! ????? !!!! ???? !!! Oh no not you too!!!!??!!!!************

 

Commas and periods, with the assistance of asterisks, exclamation and question marks, with additional support from colons, have taken control of The Chaff. Here is a list of their demands:
……. …. ,,, …
!!! ….. ,,,,, …. !!?
????????
!!??...,,,,,
,,,,.....!!!!????:

 

You have 24-hours to comply or risk: !!!!???...,,,,.

 

Yet amidst the chaos The Chaff soldiers on 

 

So dear readers stay tuned for the next installment of our adventures in the post-Chaff2K world 

 

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