Looooooooooooooooooooooooosers!!! - The Chaff with Scott Stephenson
Sports reign supreme as the pinnacle of human existence and nothing is more sports than the Toronto Maple Leafs. This year, unsurprisingly, the boys in blue bumbled and blew it bigly - bounced by the bad boys of Beantown, the Boston Bruins, in the b’very b’first b’round of this year’s Banley Buck Blayoffs. In this exceptionally sportsy edition of The Chaff, we crown the Toronto Maple Leafs as the “Greatest Ever Sports Franchise to Ever Sports, Sportingly!”
Some may argue that true greatness hinges on victories, yet the Leafs haven’t tasted triumph since the distant echoes of 1967. Winning demands unwavering effort and unyielding determination. However, why should the Leafs exhaust themselves in pursuit of victory when their fanbase remains steadfastly loyal, and they continue to amass staggering wealth?
Mastery in the art of losing is a form of greatness in itself. In this aspect, the Leafs stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the tallest and tiniest titans of all-time great losers. The Chaff boldly predicts that the Leafs are destined to become the quintessential losingest team of all time - an achievement we should all rally behind.
Enduring years of continuous defeat requires immense commitment, serving as a valuable lesson for our youth. It teaches the importance of dedication, resilience and the refusal to surrender. Charlton Heston said, “I’ll give you my Leafs jersey when you pry it from my cold, dead hands,” and he was obviously not insane. This Charlton Heston is not to be confused with the famous Hollywood actor. This was a Maple Leafs fan who refused to remove his Leafs jersey while wandering in the desert outside of Las Vegas in the middle of the day. He died from hypothermia after the sun went down, clutching his Leafs jersey, which seemed to have been removed while he was suffering from heat stroke-related delirium. Anyway, some vultures pecked his eyes out, ate most of his entrails and repeatedly defecated on his lifeless body. Really grisly stuff. Rest in peace, sweet soldier of Leafs Nation!
Contrary to popular belief, losing is far superior in molding character than winning. This means Toronto is a city brimming with character, overflowing to the point where there’s not enough room to house all of that character. A sleep-deprived 10-year-old whose heart shattered on a Saturday night is on the path to becoming a better person. Someday, they’ll grow up to neglect their spouses during hockey and playoff seasons - a testament to their newfound character!
Now is a perfect opportunity to officially change the name of The City of Toronto to the much more suitable - Toilet Town - Home of the Toilet Town Maple Leafs. This name-change initiative is something we can all proudly support. Toilet Town has kept its losing skid going for almost 60 years with no signs of that streak ever being clogged. Toilet Town! Toilet Town! Toilet Town! It pretty much chants itself.
Welcome to Toilet Town, the quirky and endearing home of the Toilet Town Maple Leafs! As you step into this charming, aromatic city, you’ll immediately notice the blue and white colour scheme that adorns every corner - from street signs to public art installations, there’s no escaping the manic pride of Toilet Town Leafs fandom. Start your tour with a visit to the Forgotten Dreams Memorial, a solemn monument dedicated to the lost hopes of Leafs fans that have been flushed away over the years.
Next, take a stroll down Almost Avenue, where you’ll find quaint cafes serving up “Could’a been a contender-Lattes” and shops stocked with memorabilia celebrating the Toilet Town Leafs’ myriad near-misses. Don’t miss the Eternal Fountain of Loserdom, a delightful sculpture depicting the eternal struggle of reaching for greatness, but falling well short. For a taste of local cuisine, head to the Soggy Leaf Grill, where the menu features somewhat cooked dishes inspired by iconic moments in Leafs history. Wrap up your visit with a stop at the Destruction of Dreams Art Gallery, showcasing works of art that capture the bittersweet essence of being a Leafs fan. With its quirky charm and undeniable spirit, Toilet Town is a must-visit destination for anyone looking to experience the unique culture of Leafs fandom in all its glory!
The perpetual cycle of disappointment surrounding the Leafs has entrenched itself in sporting legend, captivating the minds of fans with each season’s predictable letdowns. Despite the lengthy championship drought, their consistent mediocrity has fostered a community of supporters who find solace in their reliability to underwhelm. The Maple Leafs’ journey epitomizes the essence of unfulfilled potential, embodying the spirit of consistently falling short, regardless of occasional glimpses of promise.
So, here’s to the Toilet Town Maple Leafs, our eternal anti-champions. Go (golfing), Leafs, go!