It's the most budget-y time of the year - Scott Stephenson editorial

December arrives despite the dedicated efforts of disturbing radicals rallying to rid the region of all cembers, greedily and fiendishly de-cembering one cember at a time until their dreadful and demented dreams of a cemberless situation are clearly seen by those who oppose their nefarious deeds and schemes. The Chaff is back to offer an alternative to the alternative’s alternative. Here we go again.

 

Budget season has arrived and The Chaff is putting on its “accountant pants”, strapping into its “financial hat” and slipping into its “numbers onesie” to creep and crawl its way to that magical place called balanced. We’ll be tackling the edges, jumping on the margins and doing a little dance all over the comparators because we take this seriously and that’s our serious guarantee to anyone who will listen with their eyes (read).

 

First, it’s important to stretch. Using your hand, stretch your left eye out and across your right eye. Make sure to breathe steadily. Very good. Now, slowly, let go of the stretch and return your left eye to its socket. Very good. Now repeat on the right side. This will help you see the numbers with the same clarity available to us. Very good.

 

Time to get at it and on it and all over it. Under it too; under it is a great place to start because it makes it easier to lift. Behind it also works. Try out different things and find out what works best for you.

 

Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that Chaff charges are going up this year. We didn’t want it to have to come to this but we don’t really know what we’re doing, so things kinda just spiraled from there and, I don’t know… I don’t know… (sobbing). We didn’t want it to come to this but we did a survey and one person responded and they said it was “something that they maybe had heard about”. Hands are tied here. Chaff fees going up, ummm, let’s say 40 per cent. 50? I don’t know.

 

Chiff fees are inching upwards by many thousands of miles in 2024. We use the Imperial System to measure Chiff fees because we think it’s an excellent system. Just for Chiff fees though, to help avoid confusion.

 

Chorf insurance is way up, as you already know, and we’re not immune to this phenomenon. We wish there was something we could do to avoid passing along the cost to you, but we haven’t put thought into any possible alternatives, plus we are disingenuous, so we’re actually just wishing for more wishes. Unfortunately, you are going to have to cover increases in Chorf insurance, because we’re too busy with wishes. (Sung to the tune of “When You Wish Upon a Star” by Leigh Harline and Ned Washington) When you wish upon a Chorf.

 

We’re getting absolutely hammered by Chaff taxes, so we’re thinking about axing The Chaff tax. Axe The Chaff tax, we say. Axe The Chaff Tax. Let’s say it again, axe The Chaff tax. Axe The Chaff tax. Say it with us! Axe The Chaff Tax. You are getting sleepy. Axe The Chaff tax. Axe The Chaff tax. The sound of these words is permeating a subliminal place in your mind. Axe The Chaff tax. Axe The Chaff tax. I am not wearing glasses and I have never worn glasses. Axe The Chaff tax. Axe The Chaff tax. Make me a sandwich.

 

We are now selling a new line of Chaff brand axes with axed taxes (a.k.a no taxes) but some safety surcharges. Axe The Chaff tax. Axe The Chaff tax. Make sure there are pickles on the sandwich. Axe The Chaff tax.

 

Chaff staff salaries have kinda become the elephant inside the larger elephant. How did the elephant get into that larger elephant? It’s a mystery and so is our staff. Dervid Hamson pulled double duty as Integrity Commissioner and fill-in columnist when regular Chaff staff were on strike. He owes a lot of money to some really bad people, so we jacked up that salary to the max.

 

Uninym Harold, who looks after the stacks and stacks and stacks of returned Chaffs at the office, is getting a big slice of the elephant pie. He’s been named Interim Director of Getting Dizzy, Being Silly and Having Fun, so we wish Harold all the best with the new set of responsibilities and adjusted pay grid.

 

Ignatius Grimwort, well-known author of The Pumpkin and co-creator of The Chumpkin, is invoicing The Chaff monthly but we can’t quite figure out why. We’ll look into it, probably. Actually, we’re not going to do that.

 

The Devil, we can agree, takes more than he gives. The Chaff interviewed him about autumn leaves in the interest of fairness and transparency. Before the interview, he insisted we sign some kind of legal agreement that needed to be done in blood for some reason. We didn’t read it and old horny there cackled something about “being in the details” and here we are, stuck in some kind of eternal situation and the cost was our souls. But what are you gonna do?

 

Quick update: work on The Chaff ramp has stalled indefinitely. Costs continue to come in with little to explanation as to why. That is all the information we have available to us at this time. We said it was a quick update, not an informative one.