It's the end of the world as we ChaffWeb - The Chaff with Scott Stephenson

Video may have killed the radio star, but the internet will kill us all! And that is why The Chaff is proud to announce that we’re going online! Delete your Faceborg accounts and X out your Twizzler pages because it’s time to sign up, sign in and sign on to the scion of websites and social media services: ChaffWeb!

 

Welcome to ChaffWeb, your one-stop wonder for a wanton disregard of humanity’s best interests. We’re here so you don’t have to be anywhere else! Want something? We’ve got it! Want nothing? We’ve got even more of that! Strap-in and tie one on, this is ChaffWeb!

 

A lot of the other social media websites face accusations of being addictive, but we here at ChaffWeb think they’re not addictive enough. When you’re on ChaffWeb, you shouldn’t think about anything else. Have a family? Ignore them! Hungry for sustenance? Snack on ChaffWeb! Thirsty for water? Sip on the sweet, syrupy service that sloppily sloshes and spills loose - ChaffWeb! Chug! Chug! Chug! Is it supposed to be unpleasantly viscous? Yes! That means it’s working.

 

There are concerns about children being targeted by social media companies for use of their products. Our number-one concern here at ChaffWeb is that, these days, children are too savvy to get hooked on our hyper-addictive, algorithm-driven offerings. This is why we are going after toddlers and tots! But why stop there? Try ChaffWeb for fetuses! We won’t participate in the divisive debate on whether or not life begins at conception because we don’t think you need to be “a person” to enjoy ChaffWeb. Fellas, try using ChaffWeb for sperm! Ladies, inseminate your eggs with ChaffWeb! Life begins when you sign up for ChaffWeb!

 

Some say social media services have upended democracies worldwide, but we say “who cares?” If democracy was so important, then why is everyone abandoning it with abandon? Seems like the votes are in: ChaffWeb wins in a landslide! Democracy dies in darkness and the spirit of ChaffWeb is pitch black! 

 

There are those with concerns that using services like those offered by ChaffWeb exacerbates mental health disorders. We here at ChaffWeb may not be medical professionals, have any relevant training or even a basic understanding of what we’re even talking about, but we are still happy to offer our opinion on those concerns: they are bonkers, wacko, crazy! Mental health is a myth perpetuated by so-called “experts” attempting to stifle ChaffWeb’s quest to undermine the ability of communities all over the world to take care of themselves. Paging Dr. Dork! You’re not wanted anymore.

 

Online scams are flourishing and nobody likes to be duped out of their hard-earned dollars. That’s why we here at ChaffWeb are proactively disclosing that we are a scam. When you sign-up for ChaffWeb, you give us all of your personal information: credit card numbers, social insurance numbers, home addresses, e-mail addresses, secret e-mail addresses you use while running for Huron East Council - all of it! Why worry about losing everything when you can be confident knowing that you’ll soon have nothing left? 

 

Traditional media like print newspapers have informed communities worldwide for hundreds of years but - wake up, grandpa - times are changing. Access to reliable information is going the way of a dumb dinosaur who died before all of the other dinosaurs were wiped-off the earth. Get out of the way, newspapers, ChaffWeb is leading the charge to annihilate all life on this planet. 

 

Hey Spielberg! Here’s a pitch for you - Newspaper Park. It’s a story about scientists who bring newspapers back to life in a world where nobody knows how to read! You can stream it now on ChaffWeb! Critics are calling it very troubling, extremely uncomfortable and laugh-out-loud hilarious! It stars Ryan Reynolds alongside an artificial intelligence-powered rendering of John Candy, despite objections from Candy’s estate.

 

In the olden days, local businesses would buy advertising in community newspapers every week to support the effort chronicling important events into a permanent, factual record. But why invest in your community when supporting billionaire tech giants is so easy and cheap? Billionaires deserve our dollars more than communities need to know about hospital closures. Maybe one day, they’ll buy our dysfunctional hospitals and turn them into desperately-needed housing for their pets. Paging Dr. Dog. Woof, woof!

 

“Fake news” is the new “truth” and “fake truth” is the only news you can use on ChaffWeb. Users caught posting information about active wildfires will be punished by immolation. Fair is fair, and on ChaffWeb fair is fire ????????????!

 

Wave the white flag, reality, your time is up. On ChaffWeb, the only thing that’s real is the inescapable feeling of despair!