I am not O.K. - Shawn's Sense with Shawn Loughlin

Over this three-week period, there has been and will be a lot of change at the Loughlin house. Last week, Cooper, now past the year-and-a-half threshold, has begun his life in daycare and, by the time you’re reading this, Tallulah will be one week away from her first day of school.

 

Those are a pair of pretty big milestones, both for the parents and for the children, in just a matter of weeks. All the while, Jess and I have had to carry on and work our jobs pretending that everything was O.K. when everything, in fact, was not O.K. To quote your friend and mine, Marsellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction, “Nah, man. I’m pretty [expletive deleted] far from O.K.” While Wallace’s circumstances in that moment differ greatly from ours, I think it’s safe to say that we were and are feeling the same way about things.

 

Cooper’s daycare is the same one that did so much to make Tallulah happy and welcome in Lucknow and I’m assured of the high quality of Hullett Central Public School, in addition to what I’ve seen with my own eyes and years of experiences there, so this is not about having doubts in the institutions. It’s about the unstoppable nature of time and how it takes on a different meaning when you’re a parent.

 

Of course Jess and I are eager to meet the new versions of our children. The Cooper who plays with his daycare friends and learns about new things. The Tallulah who learns at school and finds her own interests, passions and skills and makes her own friends free from her parents’ influence. These are two young people I can’t wait to meet. But I love my children as they are right now as well. It can’t help but feel as though you’re losing one version of your child, while gaining another version.

 

The kids will have friends who aren’t me or Jess and all we’ll want is to be their friends. They’ll want to spend time with those friends, especially Tallulah, and all we’ll want is for the kids to want to spend time with us. We’ll long for the days when all the kids wanted to do was spend time with us, but, depending on the day, we might have declined so we could sit and rest, do some upkeep around the house, mow the lawn or just have a sip of coffee.

 

I know that Jess and I try to spend as much time with our kids as possible, often turning down offers to see friends or take trips in favour of being with them, so I don’t think we’re exactly lacking in time spent, but surely, one day, we’ll both feel like we could have done more, played more, snuggled more.

 

By no means are we packing up the kids in their own car and bidding them farewell as they head off to college - though I’m sure that will happen in a time period that won’t feel that long - so I’m not trying to be overly dramatic, but as the kids experience these changes, we will be experiencing our own.

 

Another aspect of all of this is that it’s hard to believe that the time has gone by so quickly. Everyone has told me that this is the case, but it’s still shocking when it actually happens.

 

I remember two years ago, taking a picture at the Hullett school graduation and it just so happened to be on Tallulah’s birthday. I spoke with a parent there whose child was graduating and I told her that we had celebrated Tallulah’s second birthday just minutes earlier and put her to bed so I could run to the graduation. She said that, before I knew it, I’d be there, watching Tallulah graduate. 

 

That feels more true than ever now. Working for The Citizen for 18 years now, I’ve seen so many children grow into adults. Now it’s time to watch my own children do the same and I don’t exactly feel ready for it.