Here's something for thirsty squirrels!! - Scott Stephenson editorial

Hey everyone out there hula hooping and having fun during this festive stretch of good cheer and heaping portions of Yuletide crumbles. Looking for the perfect gift for all those pesky squirrels in your life? Look no further because The Chaff has exactly what you need and what squirrels crave: Squirrel Drink.

Bottling drinks is a big business and big businesses need bigger and bigger markets to sell their big business’s biggest bigness to in all the biggest ways with the biggest, in a big manner of speaking big, big business. With that in mind: Squirrel Drink.
Wondering if squirrels will even buy a bottled drink? You betcha they will! You betcha they will! You can bet your bottom betcha, they will! They will and that’s a Squirrel Drink guarantee. It’s a personal Squirrel Drink promise from Squirrel Drink to you. A promise that Squirrel Drink is committed to keeping, unlike some of Squirrel Drink’s other, more dubious promises.

We know the psychology of squirrels because we have been studying their habits, obsessively, for years. We’ve learned their secrets and you can taste that in the top secret ingredients that make squirrels so utterly addicted to Squirrel Drink.

As they say, the proof is in the squirrel pudding and, evidently, squirrels couldn’t agree more. In a squirrel survey conducted over 20 squirrel weeks last year, 2,000 squirrels overwhelmingly indicated they are devoted, passionate and completely in love with Squirrel Drink. Surveys can’t be wrong, right? The famous and beloved saying is “survey says” not “survey doesn’t say”. That’s a fact, or my name isn’t Richard Karn.

Squirrel Drink helps modern squirrels tackle the toughest challenges of their squirrel days. Leaping is easy for Squirrel Drink squirrels. Scrabbling is something Squirrel Drink squirrels can do in their Squirrel Drink sleep while dreaming of places they could stash a never-ending supply of so many nuts.

Not convinced? Try a sip for yourself! It’s delicious for everyone, even if you are not a squirrel. Squirrels may prefer it, but so can you. Don’t be an embarrassing coward! History is watching! Sip it ‘til it’s finished!

Some of the popular flavours of Squirrel Drink flinging and flying dangerously off of Christmas shelves include Chestnut, Sweet Chipmunk Heat, Walnut, Imposter Skunk, Cinnamon Swirl, Sparkling Sewer Juice, Gutter Punch, Raspberry, Turbo, Chunty, Lemon, Jet Fuel, Onion Ranch, Stolen Valour, Acorn, Butternut, Gazebo-style, Gutter Punch Lime, Gas Fumes, Gorilla Grease, Christmas Goose, Hopelessness, Despair, Hopelessness and Despair Lime, Confetti, Crocheted, Gluten Free, Gluten Forward, Gluten Curious, Gluten Omega, Rainbow Breeze, Organic, Oregon Trail, Oregano, Origami, Orville Peck presents Bronco, Mystery Liquid, Destination Wedding, Crocodile Chive and Hobbled Knob.

Other less popular flavours of Squirrel Drink are Bootlegged, Itchy Leg, Wet Foot, Star Destruction, Permanent Darkness, Musky, Elon Musk, Sweetened Sugar, Nuclear Nectar, Muzzled Scientist, Chemical Warfare, Dijon Mustard, Ghost Pepper, Uncle’s Recipe, Cultural Appropriation, Dijon Muzzled, Chile Pepper and Grape.

Proposed Squirrel Drink flavours expected to ruin shelves in 2024 are Wretched, Wagon-style, Space Dust, Dusty Space, Onion Dust, Orion’s Belt, Grifted, Thrifty, Orion’s Onion Belt, Ghost of Christmas Past, Ghost of Christmas Onion Belt, Christmas Candle, Crinkle-Cut, Artificial Flavour, Artificial Intelligence, Artificial Onion Dust, and more. Many, many, many more.

More Squirrel Drink flavours are Midnight Cowboy, Squirrel of Destiny, Sleep Inducing, Sleep Preventing, Catastrophic Result, Spicy Onion Dust, Cave Flavour, Sunken Treasure, Spicy Treasure and Reduced Sodium.

Animal welfare experts agree that Squirrel Drink is a real problem. Our solution, against the advice of those aforementioned “experts”, is more Squirrel Drink. Consider the Squirrel Drink problem, solved!

Additional Squirrel Drink flavours include Derailed Train, Barely Legal, Pending Lawsuit, Almost Edible, Southern BBQ, Eerie Feeling, Donut Failure, Loosely Labeled and, of course, Pineapple.

Feel like chanting? Go ahead: Squirrel Drink! Squirrel Drink! Squirrel Drink! Squirrel Drink! Squirrel Drink! Squirrel Drink!
Keep it going!

Squirrel Drink! Squirrel Drink! Squirrel Drink!

What do we want? Squirrel Drink! When do we want it? Squirrel now!

So this Christmas season, make sure your stockings are completely soaked in the season’s most essential season soaker: Squirrel Drink!

A few more Squirrel Drink flavours are Overstayed Welcome, Horse Tinge, Green Ooze, Climate Slime, Morris-Turnberry, Folded Laundry, Mouse Man, Tropical Slurry, Tornado Jazz and, of course, Original.