Flags, flags, flags, flags, flags, flags - The Chaff with Scott Stephenson

Yabba-dabba doomsday, e’rybody! The Chaff is back to snack on some facts while attracting some gnats to make stacks on stacks on stacks of gnats on gnats on gnats - Gnat Stacks - they make a great snack and that’s a fact. 

 

This, The Chaff, is brought to you by Gnat Snacks. Gnat Stacks: They’re yum, yum! Have ‘em with mayonnaise. Gnat Stacks!
Well, welp, and while we were “welping” so well a little earlier, we wondered, “woah, what’s up with all the weird and wacky flag stuff, lately, amiright?” Well, looks like there are others who totally “flagree” with us! The “flag-pocalypse” is “flag-pon” us. May flags have mercy on our flags - our noble gnat flags - and otherwise.

 

What’s been flapping in the wind? An awful waft; a wretched stench intent on olfactory invasion; the worst kind of stink sensation. A scent, so suddenly upsetting, that wetting yourself is the only option. We’ve all been there before and now we’re here, together, in it.

 

Everybody agrees that flags are the number one issue plaguing society right now and it is incumbent upon each of us to spend as much time as possible thinking about flags, writing about flags, and flagging flag-related flag issues whenever flag possible. Flags flags flags, flags flags, flags flags, flags flags flags. And to a lesser extent, flags; but to a greater extent, flags.

 

The divisions are dividing the indivisible down to Dividey Town for the Division Olympics. It’s an infinite splintering of divinity until it’s finished, or fission, or something for which we can’t get a refund. Anyway, we simply cannot stand for this because our legs are too divided and we have zero core strength. 

 

We really wish this wasn’t an issue that needs flagging on about but that’s just the fate of the flagger, the flaggee, the flagoron, the flagagellen, the flagonometry, the sewage flagoon, the flava flag, Fleet Foxes, flag football, Viva Flag Vegas, Feverly Flags, Flags-021-flags, the list goes on and on.

 

Everybody agrees that the Canada’s Wonderland flag, a Toronto Argonauts’ flag, and a promotional flag from the movie Avatar: The Way of Water represent all of us equally and fairly. Every Chester, Charlie or injured party of historical oppression gets the same shot at glory, greatness and that good kind of goo-goo under the beautiful three-flag dogma/dog whistle, doggone it!
If three were good enough for actor Lycia Naff, who portrayed Mary in the Arnold Schwarzenegger Schwi-fi freakout classic Total Recall, then shouldn’t it be good enough for us too? Three is all you need. Case closed. Case closed. Case closed.

 

But let’s face the flaccid facts - some fellas, some females and some otherwise want flags flown while other freaky folks and folksy freaks feel like no such flags should fly. It’s a conflict at full mast. A glistening mast that’s been lubricated for lurid and optimal flag raisings, lowerings, reach-arounds, pole dancings and sog ‘em ups. 

 

Each and every one of us is really turned on by flags - that’s obvious. We all remember that sweet flag that brought us to our first dance. We were all so nervous that our “cringey” parents might accidentally call them a pennant, or bring up bunting for some reason. You remember - you worked up the nerve, leaned in close and gently cooed, “I love you, flag.” We all remember and that’s why the divisiveness in which we persistently exist, we insist, should exit our midsts. Take a hike, divisiveness, yer a twisted mess that is needless at best. A hex on ye. A hex on ye.

 

So what are we going to do about it? The Chaff has a plan that we expect is going to be very popular with everyone in the flag community who reps their flags with unwavering, but always waving, “flag-tegrity”. Flap on like Donkey Kong, you princely princesses and princessly princes of the lower skies.

 

Back to the plan, which is known as Codename: Chaff; It’s a top-secret plan to fix everything and make it nice, so nice, so very, very nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

 

(Wheeling in drum roll machine) The plan (drum roll) is (drum roll) (drum roll) (drum roll) (drum roll) (drum roll) (sound of hand whacking the drum roll machine to stop it from skipping) The Chaff flag. That’s right, we here at The Chaff propose flying The Chaff flag to solve all of the flagrant “tom-flag-ery” that is destroying our flag-related faculties and fantastic flag factories.
The Chaff flag is 100 per cent transparent, so you can see your neighbour when you’re looking through it. Say hello, introduce yourself, discuss your perceived divisions, then get back to work making this area a welcoming place for all to live, love, work, volunteer and thrive.

 

Just kidding! Continue raging about flags! Y’all seen the Morris-Turnberry flag?!? Yeesh! The Surgeon General should slap a “horny-warning” on that flag. It’s pornographic!