'Chaff Monday' creeps up every year! - Scott Stephenson editorial

Ciao, Chaff gang! Off the top, we are eager to express, exuberantly, just how greatly we appreciate our devoted coterie of Chaff-ers, our creepy collective of Chaff-ies and the cheerful chumps and wild-eyed whackos known only as Chaff-os. Week after week, we are oh so pleased that you keep choosing to be our dedicated devotees, sycophantic sureties and tremendously tenacious “Champions of Chaff!”  We thank you kindly for joining us, yet again, for another ill-advised endeavour into the endless abyss of whatever this is. An additional shout out also goes to the Chaffiola-Joes and Chaffinella-Janes who jiggle, juggle and jive in, just about, every jurisdiction within the Chaff-iverse and beyond. 

 

In addition to our repeat readers, we welcome nervous, neurotic newbies, a.k.a. Chaff-irgins (Chaff virgins) as well as anyone and everyone being coerced into reading this ridiculous drivel against their own will. Fret not, my friends, for this too shall Chaff.
This week, we are in a particularly Chaffed-up mood because Monday was, in fact, “Chaff Monday”. As you are all, obviously, already entirely and absolutely aware, “Chaff Monday” is the most Chaffingest day of the year, a fact proven by scientific formulas, mathematical equations and just a little bit of black magic.

 

A lot of people believe that “Chaff Monday” is simply a marketing ploy created by the devious and dubious team of slimy schemers and scummy scammers responsible for The Chaff in order to sell more Chaffs and counterfeit cartons of Chaff Brand cigarettes, but that couldn’t be further from The Chaff (The Chaff = the truth, and the truth is that Chaff Brand cigarettes are good for you and taste great!). “Chaff Monday” is as real as the realest thing that could ever be realized inside your remarkably reliable, relentlessly resilient and (hopefully, if you are following the latest recommended recommendations) recently rinsed and routinely rust-proofed reading machine (a.k.a. your mind). If you’re suggesting that your mind isn’t real then, really, what credibility do you have to assert that there is no “Chaff Monday”? No credibility! In the game of chess, this is what is known as “Chaff-mate”. The logic here is as unimpeachable as Ontario peaches are, as they say, peachable. Completely!

 

Some people are probably still wondering about the origins of “Chaff Monday” and whether they should be concerned and/or afraid of the rights, rituals and ramifications related to this wonderful, whimsical and, as they say, peachable annual observance. Well, wonder no longer! 

 

“Chaff Monday” occurs at this time of year, every year, and that is how it has always been since the very beginning of time, which history books tell us began at least three or four decades ago. The key to “Chaff Monday” is derived directly from the diminished dollop of daylight dolled-out during this dreadfully doomy, depressingly dreary and, dare we say, just plain dumb time of year. Democracy may die in darkness but darkness is exactly where The Chaff thrives. 

 

Some Chaff fundamentalists, or “Chaf-Fundies” as they are also known, insist on permanently wearing blindfolds in order to block out all of the awful and ugly untruths that dominate the days and nights of our modern, messed-up society like some kind of 21st century Charles in Charge. “Chaf-Fundies” read this column only while blindfolded; they drive their cars only while blindfolded; they even add an extra blindfold whenever they are required to be blindfolded, like when wildly whacking the holy heck out of a hoisted party pinata hanging and dangling from a tree in an effort to spill its candy guts - a delicious and delectable selection of entrail confections - downwards to the delight of a ravenous and rapacious pack of fiendish and possibly feral children chomping at the bit while waiting impatiently below, ready to ravage their reward, froth flowing freely from their ferocious faces. 

 

Some radical “Chaf-Fundies” insist the blindfold method doesn’t go far enough, so they surgically remove their eyeballs, often crudely without the assistance of a trained physician, like some kind of 21st century Oedipus Rex, except without all the, er, family stuff. 

 

We salute the dedication of “Chaf-Fundies.” Not only do we salute you, but we also are telling you that we are saluting you because you can’t see us saluting you. 

 

(Disclaimer - The Chaff does not encourage anyone to actually remove their eyeballs. Instead, try keeping ‘em. Shutting your eyelids is a relatively safe and proven method to simulate having no eyeballs. The Chaff also does not recommend murdering your fathers and marrying your mothers.)

 

“Chaff Monday” is a time to reflect on what really matters, or perhaps more importantly, what really doesn’t matter in life. Happy “Chaff Monday” to one and all and to all a good Chaff. 

 

Until next time, Chaff gang. Ciao!