Celebrating 2023's 'Chaff-chievements' - Scott Stephenson editorial

Bravo, brava and brav-neutral to all of you Chaff-onnoisseurs and devotees of the utterly absurd! Welcome back to The Chaff - your weekly masterclass in unclassy and asinine madness.

 

Last Sunday night, the bewildering spectacle that was the Golden Chaffs award ceremony left us questioning the very fabric of reality. Dervid Hamson, our host for the evening, demonstrated comedic stylings best described as puzzling, peculiar and painfully unpleasant. The ceremony, a tribute to the fine art of Chaffing, stood as a beacon of absurdity in an already baffling world.

 

As the procession of Chaff luminaries paraded down the confoundingly curvy and loosely labyrinthian red carpet - more American Ninja Warrior than haute couture - it became apparent that fashion had relinquished its throne to creepiness and brutality. Burlap sacks were out, replaced by a stunning array of Chaff-inspired accessories, a sartorial salute to the notion that one man’s Chaff is another man’s fashion statement.

 

In the realm of cinema, the accolade for the most intriguing use of air went to the spellbinding documentary Gust and Furious: A Tale of Wind Resistance. The film unveils groundbreaking insights into how air, when harnessed with finesse, can be quite breezy.

 

On the television side of things, I Love Lucy swept all of the categories. Judges said they couldn’t be bothered to watch anything new because everything has gone so far downhill with the advent of premium cable and streaming services. Who needs Succession when you have Harpo Marx playing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” on the harp? 

 

Acknowledging marvels that defy comprehension, the prestigious award for Outstanding Achievement in Nonsense was claimed by the “Ineffable 9000”. Despite defying explanation, the enigmatic inventor assured all of the awfully incredulous A—holes out there that the “Ineffable 9000” is a game-changer in the realm of perplexity. We attempted to interview the mysterious inventor, but their response left us more puzzled than a cat surrounded by Schrödinger’s Chaff.

 

The annual Blooper Reel of Flubs, Blunders, Mishaps and Accidents was very impactful for the hoards of aggressively unruly and intentionally ignorant misfits in attendance. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. All eyes - confirmed wet. Some: very wet. Some: completely soaked.

 

The prize for Biggest Missed Opportunity went to Gil Garratt at the Blyth Festival for passing on The Chaff: The Play - Trilogy. Sure, the program for the upcoming 50th anniversary of the beloved local festival is a world class lineup of surefire hits, but without The Chaff: The Play - Trilogy, theatre kids, old theatre kids and theatre kid-adults are being robbed of the opportunity to be bewildered for a couple of hours (each play has a runtime of between four and five hours) in a dark space, together. That is basically stealing magic! The Chaff will not stand for this kind of thievery, Garratt! Instead, we will remain seated.

 

The evening reached its pinnacle as Dr. Quibble Quandary received thunderous applause for his lifelong dedication to confounding the masses. His seminal work, The Zen of Zenith: A Ponderous Exploration, continues to leave readers scratching their heads. The secrets of The Chaff are born within the “book walls” of this epic opus that delves deep, down and dirty into the depths of the mind’s pantry to fetch a tin of brain twisters and neuron needlers.

 

Now, addressing the metaphorical elephant in the room: horrible host Dervid Hamson. The less said about his performance, the better. Hamson’s attempts at humour were so obtuse that even abstract art would have requested him to tone it down. Some people “have it” - a certain, “je ne sais quoi”; Hamson has only “not having it” - a certain, “je ne sais blah”.

 

In a shocking turn of events following the Golden Chaffs, Hamson found himself facing the consequences of his abysmal performance. Reports flooded in, revealing that Hamson’s attempts at humour were so universally panned that authorities deemed it a criminal offence against comedic sensibilities. The arrest, carried out under the seldom-invoked statute of “comedic disturbance,” sent shockwaves through the Chaff-tertainment industry.

 

Reviews of the show have been mixed. Some think it was very bad, while others say it was the absolute worst. Complaints range from the show being too long and boring, to the speeches being either “too woke” or “not woke enough” - one winner nodded off during their acceptance speech and slept on the stage for over an hour.

 

The Golden Chaffs awards ceremony was an ode to the perplexing wonders of Chaff-related achievements, also known as Chaff-chievements. Until next year, when we’ll undoubtedly continue to ponder the imponderable and question why we care about awards shows once again. Until then, stay baffled, my friends!