Beware of Jean-Claude Van Scam - The Chaff with Scott Stephenson

Kick it into Chaff gear, kickers, it’s time once again to stick it to The Chaff by telling it like it is or like it isn’t or like it might be if more people had the courage and resolve to once more Chaff unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

 

This week we’re dissecting all of the latest scams that we’ve fallen for, so you don’t have to! It’s been a busy month for us getting duped and we’ve been rolled repeatedly, so let’s look at where we went wrong and where the “Nefarious Larrys” and “Miscreant Martinas” went oh so right (at doing wrong).

 

Scam #1: “Raised from Childhood”
Sometimes scammers can be people you think you know. They’ve gained your trust over time and get you to let your guard down. In the “Raised from Childhood” scam, the culprits use fake names like “Mom” and “Dad”. The way this works is the scammers conceive and give birth to a human child - you (the victim). For a while, they provide care and all of the necessities of life, teach you about the world and help guide you into the adult world. Once you are fully established with your own home, career and family - that is when they strike! Think you misplaced your wallet? Wrong! It was stolen by your “parents”. Sadly, it happens generation after generation.

 

Scam #2: “Answering the Phone”
Looking forward to a call from your old friend, or your new lover, or your old friend’s new lover? Well, guess what? That call is from a scammer and you’ve lost everything, Buster! The way this scam works is through telephone lines and cellular cells. Victims unknowingly provide everything scammers need by saying the word “hello”. With this data, fraudsters are able to put together a convincing fake version of you that looks just like you, sounds just like you and even possesses all of your memories. Your clone is then directed to find and destroy you to take over your entire life. The only way to avoid this scam is to gather, douse in gasoline and burn all of the phones in your life. Landlines, cellphones and tin cans with string must go.

 

Scam #3: “The Chaff”
This is a particularly insidious scam perpetrated by the most perverted minds this side of Pervert’s Gulch, Michigan. The way this one works is via newspaper column. The writing is typically awful and always confusing, leaving readers/victims wondering, “Why am I reading this?” This is when the poor suckers usually realize that their time has been stolen from them and they are never going to get that time back because that time now belongs to the author of the “column” and obviously they are just going to waste that time that they’ve stolen because that’s how they get their darn jollies off. Disgusting!

 

Scam #4: “Ham Scam”
If you’re anything like us, you’ve got ham on the brain. It’s a great meat on its own, terrific in a sandwich and elevates every salad to a heavenly level of excellence. But did you know that sometimes that ham is a scam? It’s true. 
This scam works in slices. Slice after slice of the criminal cold cuts find their way into the mouths, gullets and bellies of victims in delis and hoagie joints across the country. Once you hear the telltale grumbles coming from within, it’s too late - you’ve been ham scammed!

 

Scam #5: “Scamming the Scammers”
This one turns scams onto their heads. Those who should be on the lookout are scammers themselves. While no scam is a “good” scam, sometimes there are silver scam linings. In this case, we are reminded that scammers are people too. They have hopes and dreams and fears just like you.

 

Scam #6: “Jam Scam”
Have you ever opened a jar of jam to enjoy a few scoops of delicious preserves as a snack? Sure, we all have! But sometimes that jam is a scam. Commonly, scammers swap out the jam for a few slices of tainted ham. Adding this stuff to your salads is a great recipe for feeding your dumpster because that’s just trash. Beware of the “Jam Scam” because that delicious jam, very well, might be tainted ham.

 

Scam #8: the “No Scam #7” Scam
Are you wondering where Scam #7 is located? Well, wake up! You’re not going to find it because it’s a scam!

 

Scam #9: “Scum Scam”
This one is too gross to really get into here but watch out for it because it is very, very effective. To speak of the “Scum Scam” is to delve into the darkest recesses of human depravity, where morality holds no sway and deceit reigns supreme. Let us not dwell on its horrors, lest we find ourselves ensnared in its vile embrace.

 

Scam #10: “Scamma Lama Ding Dong”
Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? You guessed it - scammers! Avoid shaking their hands at all costs.
You’re now fully equipped to handle all of the dangers in this life, real or imagined. For further peace of mind, send cheques, Bitcoin, and socks full of nickels to The Chaff’s Department of Hams, Jams and Scams.