All is still calm and all is still bright - Scott Stephenson editorial

Arrivederci to the year 2023! Last year’s year is officially banished to The Chaff’s rubbish bin to rot forevermore alongside a mostly unused copy of a language guide entitled Learn to Speak Italian Starting with the Word for Goodbye - a book that The Chaff’s book review panel/knowledge militia called, “Arrivederci”.

 

This year’s year, 2024, is off to a terrible start and things are expected to only go downhill from here. Wars are worsening, disasters are distending and hardships are hardening like arteries in heavy hearts heaving heftily. Happy new year? Hah - yeah right! This year, it’s more like, “Sad new year!”

 

But complaining here in this column isn’t going to help anyone except for “suffer-junkies” - people who find great joy in sorrow. It may be true that most of The Chaff’s existing readers are indeed “suffer-junkies” but this year - this terrible, no good, awful year - we are trying to expand readership to include more well-adjusted and functional members of society. Like you, for example. You, the person reading these words right now. You seem to be very well-adjusted and functional. Good for you. Keep it up! You’re a great example for the rest of the community to follow. This, obviously, is not pandering because you’re too smart and cool to fall for something like that. You are also quite beautiful. Just thinking about you makes 2024 feel a little bit less terrible. But it’s still absolutely wretched and completely hopeless. You’re awesome though - never change.

 

So, in the interest of coming up with solutions for problems, rather than just reminding everyone of how many problems there are in this world (so, so many), we here at The Chaff have concocted an idea that will certainly make everything better - extending the Christmas season!

 

It used to be that Christmas was only really celebrated in December. Advent calendars stretched festivities to the beginning of the month. Eventually, the most wonderful time of the year started spilling into November. Late-November became mid-November. Remembrance Day, a day to honour the sacrifices of Canadian veterans, is now a day where the moment of silence observed at 11 a.m. to pay respect to our soldiers, offers only a temporary respite from Mariah Carey reminding the world of what she wants for Christmas - it’s you! You - reading these words right now. Mariah Carey wants you!

 

Imagine the possibilities! Kids could trade in their capes and tiaras for Santa suits on Halloween, turning the spookiest night of the year into a festive parade of red and white. And why stop there? Picture little Dervid Jr. donning his Christmas sweater as part of his back-to-school ensemble, because nothing says “I’m ready to conquer Grade 3” like a light-up Rudolph on your chest. 

 

Picture this: the halls of learning, once filled with the monotonous drone of school bells, are now transformed into a symphony of festive merriment. The change is revolutionary - no longer the cold, calculated ring of metal against metal, but the warm, inviting jingle of sleigh bells heralding the arrival of joy and camaraderie and learning arithmetic and grammar.

 

And for those die-hard “Christmas in July” fans, why not make it official? Christmas enthusiasts are already hanging stockings by the beach, so let’s acknowledge July as an actual Christmas month. Santa in swim trunks? I’m dreaming of a sunscreen-covered Christmas and I’m liking it - a lot!

 

Tired of the hassle of putting up and taking down Christmas lights? Fear not! Leave them up year-round for an everlasting glow that will make your neighbourhood the envy of the town. Who needs the sun when your house could be a beacon of festive cheer?

 

Ah, Easter, the time when bunnies deliver eggs and resurrection takes centre stage. It’s a season that’s practically Christmas in disguise. Think about it - Jesus wouldn’t have had the chance for a triumphant comeback if he hadn’t made that grand entrance in Bethlehem, right? So, in a sense, Easter owes a debt to Christmas, already making it a festive cousin in the holiday family. It could be a Christmas-Easter mashup that even the most devout holiday purists might secretly enjoy.

 

January, often considered the gloomiest month of the year, is the perfect candidate for a post-New Year’s Christmas injection. Orthodox Christmas doesn’t roll around until Jan. 7, and they’ve got it right. Beat the winter blues with a sleigh full of “ho-ho-ho” well into the new year. Your resolution to hit the gym can wait. Hit another couple of Toblerone bars instead. Afterall, it’s still Christmas!

 

Groundhog Day should be transformed into “Christmas Rodent Day”. The groundhog will still play an important role - if it sees its shadow, there will be 52 more weeks of Christmas. Also if it doesn’t see its shadow, 52 more weeks of Christmas.

 

So, have yourself a merry year of Christmas and let your heart be light. That way, our troubles will be out of sight for, at least, the next year.